I thank you for your honesty

When I was a child I didn’t dream about the day I would become a mom. For me having kids was not a given, it was a decision I would make in due time.

So, I grew up, got married and fell comfortably into the “ideal time to have children” stage but never got to make the decision, I wasn’t sure about it. It wasn’t a clear “no” but neither a “hell yeah! Let’s have a baby”. I decided to leave it to fate and fate came knocking at my door when I least expected it. My reaction wasn’t of exhilaration, I was not dying of happiness, it was a simple “ok, I’m pregnant then”. I was finishing my third semester in a two years master’s degree program that I very much had been looking forward to, way more than having a baby. So, when I was presented with the news my mind was busy elsewhere.

Then the pandemic hit, I finished my courses online, handed in my preliminary draft for my dissertation and less than two months later I had a daughter. It was hard to switch the button from “independent hardworking student/teacher” to “stay at home mother of a newborn baby”. To be honest I didn’t transitioned to the motherly stage until my daughter was about a year and a half. This isn’t to say I didn’t do a good job taking care of her the first 18 months of her life, it’s just that this care came from a responsible human being taking care of a smaller human being, not from “mom”.

Along with the not being able to process the huge life altering event that entails having a baby there were other unpleasant surprises like postpartum depression. It wasn’t and extreme case but the kind where you are tired all-the-freaking-time, where you live for nap time and bed time and struggle to exist in the mean time. I wasn’t enjoying being a mom much, I was always tired and anxious, I dragged myself through each day, and even though I was doing a great job taking care of my baby it didn’t seem that way, I was miserable. Due to the lack of information and prejudices around postpartum depression it took me a while to finally make it to the doctor and get some antidepressants, which, by the way, worked very well. I’m feeling better now, still on antidepressants though, but healing and getting stronger.

But I’m missing something, the reason why I finally took the hardest step of admitting I needed help and going to the psychiatrist was thanks to the help of many anonymous sheroes who were brave enough to share their stories on social media. So many thoughtful women who didn’t want others going through what they went through. Telling your story is a way of healing, sure, but still, being that brave, not being afraid of being vulnerable and opening like that to strangers so they could gain that knowledge… wow! In the midst of my postpartum depression I used to be online all the time as a coping mechanism, and while doing so I used to google phrases like “I’m not feeling connected to my newborn” or “I just had a baby and I’m not feeling happy, what is wrong with me?”. And what I found as a response to these questions was so heart warming and compassionate, hundreds of women telling their similar stories, giving hope, sharing, giving, forgiving and mending. If I hadn’t found this kind of amazing support I don’t know what would had become of me.

These stories changed my life and my motherhood, they gave me the power to realize that something wasn’t right and that I needed to advocate for my self, and for my baby, and find help. I wouldn’t be where I am today if it wasn’t for you, so, I want to thank you for your honesty my motherly sisters, you changed my life for the best, you helped me become whom I am today.

My little girl runs in the park

You don’t have to become a mother to know that not feeling ok all the time is ok, and that you need to ask for the help you need. And if you ever feel like drowning just throw your prayer into the vastness of the universe and, I assure you, you will get the answer you are seeking. So many sisters have walked the road before you, so many can relate and are more than willing to share their journey so your step be lighter.

So thank you my sisters, I’ll be forever in debt and the best way to pay it back is to pay it forward and enjoy my life. I’m excited about my future, I love who I am today.