My dad passed away when my baby was 4 months old. I didn’t know it at the time but that was his gift

There’s an undeniable event on a woman’s life that will shape her remaining days: when she loses a parent. Some are lucky to have them until a very advanced age, but for others, the passing of them can come sadly too soon. For some it almost feels like a rite of passage into adulthood, when your safety net is removed from below you and you stand at the edge of the cliff hanging on your capacities entirely alone. This doesn’t mean there isn’t a bright side to it.

I had my baby during the pandemic. I’ve written how trying this was for me, not the pandemic per se, but the becoming a mother. It was a tough time for me. And to add to it, when my baby was four months old, my father passed away unexpectedly. I found so many of the stages of grief to be true. I felt denial, anger, sadness, fear… sometimes all at the same time. I couldn’t gather myself around the idea of not seeing him again. The thought of not being able to hug him again, which, incidentally, the last time I did was before the pandemic, was torture. Realizing my baby wouldn’t get to know her grandpa made me cry every single time. Suddenly I was a child again, I felt unprotected, alone, lost and not knowing what to do. But there was something else I did not expected, as my grief proceeded I also gained perspective and so much strength, I was forced to grow up and mature.

While my father lived I was still somebody’s baby. I was well into my 30’s but I was still his little girl. I became a mother but I still felt like a child myself. Well, not anymore, the day my father died I became the adult in charge, even though my mom still lives but there’s an unspoken reality where daddy’s girls are forever protected by their own personal hero.

It’s funny how having my dad around always made me feel like a child. On my mind he was my guardian, the responsible adult, around him I felt like a small child playing with dolls and pretending she’s a grown up no matter how older I got.

At the time it didn’t feel like it, but now, almost three years after his passing, I can see this was his enormous gift to me. I needed to grow up, I needed my life to be shaken, and sadly him dying was exactly what helped me achieve it. I stepped up to the task and became stronger. Because my father died my baby got a better mother.

I don’t know if, sometimes, people can choose when to go, but if my dad did, he made the enormous sacrifice of missing on his grand-baby for my greater benefit.

I also found to be true the phrase that reads that sometimes things don’t make sense in the momento but when time pases we gain perspective and realize they happened for a reason. Something that hurt me deeply back then, something I couldn’t make sense of, turned out to be a blessing in disguise.

I’ll always miss my dad and be sad for all the moments we didn’t get to spend together, all the potential good times and memories, but I can see now that that chapter of my life was meant to be written without him and that this was truly an opportunity for me to become the person who I am today, someone who, by the way, I feel very proud of.

So thank you dad, for helping me grow up and become a better person, I know you’ll still be rooting for me and guiding me even when you are no longer here.

Daughter and father taking a walk in the park