Nobody likes you when you're 25.

The new year has just begun, and my mind is consumed by one thought: I will be turning 25 years old in six months. This feels unbelievable to me, especially since I just turned 19 last year. I assure you, I am not living in a delusion where I accidentally convince myself that I am still a teenager.

I’m slowly approaching this milestone birthday and while I’m trying to stay carefree, I just can’t help but feel a certain sense of unease and uncertainty about everything that lies ahead. Lately, I’ve been reading a lot upon turning 25 and maturing and it seems to me that we all face the same obstacles: we all have no idea what we’re doing. Some of us are just better at pretending.

When I was 13, I dreamt a lot about being an adult and how I pictured my life. I dreamt of being a famous actress, winning my first Oscar for my breakout role, having a big group of friends around me, living in a giant mansion in Santa Monica and looking glamorous and fabulous every single day in my life. And Harry Styles is my husband.

Now I’m 24, slowly steering to this big highway called “my 30s”, and I have not won an Oscar, nor am I a famous actress. I work a normal office job, I have a small group of honest friends, I live in a small rental apartment outside of the city, and I am proud of myself when I wake up and put on real pants instead of staying in my onesie all day. And I’m not married to Harry Styles. I did see him in concert last year and when he came out on stage, I screamed so hard I blacked out for a bit. (I wish I was joking, I truly wish I was joking). So in the eyes of my teenager-self: I’m a complete failure, a slob, a wannabe-dreamer, who cannot stick up for herself and cannot get herself out there and say: look at me world, here I am and I’m ready for good things to come to me.

I think I’m learning to be happy about this.

Approaching the big 25 feels scary at first, because we’re technically too old to be a teenager, but still too young to be a proper adult. We’re young adults. The YA section in a bookstore still belongs to us, even if teens give us nasty looks, but we’re too adolescent to ask for the manager if the cashier at a supermarket doesn’t accept our expired coupons. We’re stuck in a limbo of wanting to turn our lives around, realizing how hard it is, getting motivated enough to at least try it and eventually just going back to sleep. Maybe tomorrow will be different, we think, but we already know it won’t be. It’s a damn spiral.

Lorde was right when she said "this dream isn't feeling sweet"

Seeing people my age on the internet posting about their glamorous lives doesn't help either. But I can't stop engaging and watching these videos. Yes, I want to get ready with you for a day at your 9-to-5 job in the middle of San Francisco. Yes, I want to see the smoothie bowl you prepare for yourself in the morning. But I'm not watching these videos to get inspired and work on myself. Instead, I'm staring at the OLED screen of my smartphone, desperately wishing to catch a glimpse of myself somewhere between these pixels. It's like an alternate reality, where I wake up on time in the morning, do some yoga, and prepare a healthy and nutritious breakfast. I don't recognize myself in these videos, and I can't bring myself to be one of the countless commenters who declare they'll try the same steps tomorrow.

I often pretend that I'm good at taking care of myself. For example, I might say, "Oops, I forgot to eat breakfast today!" when the truth is that I simply woke up too late and didn't have time for it. Day by day, I go through the morning and night hours pretending to be someone who has her life together. Someone who pays her bills on time and saves money. Someone who starts and finishes shows on Netflix. Someone who knows what the future holds. I have become quite skilled at pretending that all of these things apply to me. Maybe I have inadvertently become an actress in the movie of my life.

It does feel scary getting old.

Turning 25 is a big thing in my eyes. I’m approaching my 30s now with every year and eventually have to take off my shell and become this adult that society is expecting. Sometimes I catch myself staring at my fellow peers to see how they navigate through life. Are they stressed out? Are they okay? Do they ever dream of being a guest on Fallon or Kimmel and sharing a hilarious story about another imaginary event in their mind?

Isn’t that what we all do? Just comparing ourselves to every single person we meet?

I compare myself to my favorite musicians and the music they put out when they were in their mid-twenties.

I compare myself to my favorite movie makers and what screenplays they have written, or short films they have directed when they were in their mid-twenties.

Stevie Nicks wrote “Landslide” when she was 27. Steven Spielberg directed “Jaws” when he was 26.

What will I do at 25?

I want to grow up, I want to mature. I want to introduce myself again to my teenage-self and tell her: I am not the person you thought I would become, but I’m okay and also not okay and I’m trying to figure out how that can be a thing. Growing up is terrifying and turning 25 will still feel scary, even though I am writing my feelings down. Navigating your life in your 20s after enduring a worldwide pandemic and being locked in for a few years doesn’t make life easier, but I think we’re able to take this pain and try to learn and gain from it.

I don’t want to be a sad excuse of a 25 year old, who is using her problems as a shield to protect herself from any chance of growth. I’m done pretending like I have my life together. I want to have my life together and be able to look at myself in 5 years and feel proud of myself and everything I have accomplished. And I want to accomplish so much more and feel that I’m now just getting started. I can't wait to turn 25 now.