The toll that having kids can have on your relationship

Parenting is one of the most transformative and rewarding experiences you can have, but it is also one of the most challenging. The arrival of children changes the dynamics of any relationship, testing the patience, love and resilience of both partners. However, these changes do not have to be negative. Sometimes adjusting takes time and effort, but it is not impossible.

The arrival of a child can affect life satisfaction as a couple. A study published in the Journal of Marriage and Family found that, on average, satisfaction with one's partner decreases after the birth of the first child. However, this decrease is not inevitable and varies considerably depending on the couple and their circumstances. Among the factors that could contribute to this dissatisfaction is the lack of time for the personal needs of each parent (let's not forget that a couple is made up of two people, each with individual needs, whether it be rest, socializing, personal development, or physiological needs such as exercise, food and rest).

Taking this into account, many women face the difficult decision of quitting their jobs after becoming mothers. There are several studies that show that, when it comes to child care, mothers are the ones who sacrifice their careers to dedicate themselves to caring for the family and the home. This change can have a significant impact on family dynamics and on the relationship between the couple, since new responsibilities and roles are added to daily life and, often, an unmet need for personal development and professional achievement. In the case of fathers, they often see their leisure time reduced (practicing a sport, having a hobby and going out with friends) which directly impacts their stress levels. And let's not even talk about how the most basic needs of self-care, such as exercise and rest, are affected. Sleep is one of the most basic and necessary needs that impacts our diet, mood, and exercise level. If we don't sleep well, we have no energy and need to compensate with high-calorie foods (after a sleepless night, it's normal to crave junk food and sweets) and we also don't have the energy to exercise, which impacts our mood and stress levels.

And how does all this affect the couple? If we don't have time for our individual basic needs, we'll have even less time for the couple. It's hard to find time to spend together when you're feeling tired and grumpy. Some experts advise trying to make time for the couple by suggesting at least one weekly date, but this can sometimes backfire by adding pressure to the already exhausted lives of parents. Perhaps the best advice I've heard would be not to put pressure on yourself and to prioritize self-care. There are times in family life that get complicated (like the arrival of a baby or having small children) when there isn't much time left for the couple. Instead of putting pressure on yourself to have a life as a couple, perhaps it would be best to concentrate on being parents and being a good team. There will be time to replenish your life as a couple when the children grow up and the pressure eases, although let's not forget that your pre-children life will never come back, you will never have the same time to dedicate to each other and to your personal development and projects. A good tip would be to try to find an activity and schedule that works for both of you, for example, watching a TV series together after the kids go to bed or going to breakfast together, if possible, once a week after dropping the kids off at daycare or school. The simple fact of sharing an activity that both of you enjoy nourishes the relationship as a couple.

When life gets complicated, self-care is not negotiable because many of the frictions with your partner and the mental exhaustion of parenting stem from tired mothers who don't have time for themselves. The partner is an adult, they can manage well without our help, but the children don't, they need a responsive mother capable of taking care of them (remember that if you are well, your children will be well, but if you are not well, no matter how much you sacrifice for them, your children will not be well). That is why we have to do everything possible to have time for ourselves. Of course, it won't be the same amount of time as before the arrival of the children, but only we know which needs are not negotiable. To give ourselves this time, we may have to ask for help or resort to the support of others and delegate some of the domestic and family care tasks. If working is a primary personal need for you, do what is necessary to reconcile your family and professional life (for example, rely on school or daycare to take care of the children); if rest is the most important thing for your well-being, make the necessary arrangements to make sure you get a fair amount of it. When the children are small, sleep is somewhat disordered, they wake up at night and get up very early; taking this into account, we must try to go to bed early and, if the children wake up a lot in the middle of the night, do not hesitate to go to sleep with them, it is easier than having to get up and go to their room several times during the night. In conclusion, do what works best for you, only you know best what your needs are. And take the pressure off of living as a couple, do what you can, but if there are periods when you two seem more like roommates or friends than a couple, don't worry, you will have more time later.

Life is not linear, sometimes there is more pressure than others, but everything passes, you will adapt and you will have time for yourself and your partner again. Don't forget that part of this personal and couple time that is sacrificed becomes family time, which is also beautiful and nourishes our hearts. So, cheer up! Trust in your abilities and don't forget to enjoy the journey, no matter how bumpy it may seem at times.

Life as a couple can be affected with the arrival of children. Especially the stage of babies and toddlers can be the most tiring.